How to Win at Life

 

Longhorn Cavern State Park, Marble Falls TX

There are no great stories that start without adversity. No one wants to hear about the rich man who got richer or the smart woman who got smarter.

We want to hear stories about people who beat odds. Who overcame obstacles.

Sometimes those obstacles are external. Life situations like poverty or bad parents. Racism. Oppression.

Sometimes the obstacles are internal. Like mental health issues. Perceived messages from others, like “You can’t do it” or “you’re not good enough.”

If Scrooge had been a philanthropist from the beginning, there wouldn’t have been a story. The narrator in Fight Club started off feeling powerless, and went on to make something bigger than himself. Abraham Lincoln was poor and mostly self-educated.

I know many successful people who beat themselves up for not being perfect. Of course, they know they’re not supposed to be perfect, will tell you that it’s impossible to be perfect, but then stress out over mistakes.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Maybe because we know we’re capable of being better than the mistakes we make? Maybe because we judge ourselves by our mistakes and worst behavior? Or we’re worried that others are judging us that way?

I’m sure that it’s all more complicated than just one or two reasons. Our brains are magnificent, frustrating, complex entities, capable of creating art and science, and capable of telling us that others have nothing better to do than remember when we say or do something we shouldn’t have.

Here’s the thing: your life is just a story. It’s a series of memories, and moments. You get to pick what you put int that story. You’re the narrator. Are you going to pick on your main character every time they screw up? Or are you going to treat them kindly, putting in only the learning from the mistakes?

Most of us don’t focus on all the times Harry Potter screwed up. He destroyed Voldemort in the end, so what does it matter that he drove a car into the Whomping Willow or that he didn’t learn occlumency? People still read Twilight, despite the fact that Edward was an emo sparkly vampire. (Maybe not the best example. And yes, as much as I make fun of it, I read and enjoyed Twilight. But please don’t tell anyone.) We still like Kevin Smith, even after Gigli.

Mistakes don’t define us. It’s how we deal with mistakes that counts.

B is for Baggage

Jerome, AZ; Photo Credit: Doree Weller

I don’t know if it’s still on TV, but a few years ago, I discovered a wonderful (awful) show called Baggage, by Jerry Springer.  It was a dating show, and on this show, three women or men would have three different sized bags.  Each one of them would reveal one secret at a time to their prospective date by opening the bags, from smallest to largest secret.  I shamefully enjoyed this show.

One of the things I liked about the show (other than the pure train wreck value), is the same reason I like PostSecret.  We all have baggage.  We all have things we don’t want others to know, things that weigh us down.  But the thing about baggage is that it makes us who we are.  The interesting quirks, the skeletons in the closet are part of what shape us.

In books, baggage can be some of the most interesting parts of the story.  What would have Jane Eyre been without Rochester’s secret wife?  In On Little Wings by Regina Sirois, young Jennifer finds out that her mother is not an only child, which spurs her on a search for the “truth.”  In Beautiful Disaster, by Jamie McGuire, Abby has a huge secret she never wants anyone to know.  Even though she tries to hide it, the secret eventually finds her.  In each of these examples, the secret is eventually revealed, and everything turns out okay. I like the concept of secrets in fiction, and I like them even better when the truth is revealed.  It adds depth and interest to characters.  It adds a touch of humanness and gives me something to relate to.  No, I’m not hiding an insane wife in my attic, but when Rochester eventually tells his story, I felt sorry for his being duped by everyone around him, and I could relate to that moment when he realized that he was forever stuck with the consequences of a bad decision.

“The things you want are always possible; it is just that the way to get them is not always apparent. The only real obstacle in your path to a fulfilling life is you, and that can be a considerable obstacle because you carry the baggage of insecurities and past experience.”
-Les Brown