I Respectfully Disagree

My dog was not feeling very tolerant toward that squirrel.
Photo credit: Doree Weller

I write a lot about tolerance and acceptance, and that I feel that they’re “good” qualities.  I’m sure most people agree with me.  However, people with liberal mindsets often put down people with more conservative mindsets for not “accepting” what they feel is okay.  And that’s where things get thorny.

For the record, I’m pro-human rights, which in my mind, means I support gay marriage (or marriage equality) and the right for LGBTQ people to just be treated as people.

However, not everyone agrees that being gay, for example, is “okay.”  A lot of people are even more opposed to gay marriage, and the Supreme Court ruling isn’t changing their minds.  That’s because people often object to gay marriage on religious or moral grounds.

About this time in the discussion, someone usually says that Jesus preached tolerance for all, and that it’s not tolerant to be anti-gay or anti-gay marriage.

I respectfully disagree.

Tolerance doesn’t mean that you like something.  It doesn’t mean that it’s okay with you.  It means that you tolerate it.

According to dictionary.com, tolerance means:

noun
1.a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward those whose opinions, beliefs, practices, racial or ethnic origins, etc., differ from one’s own; freedom from bigotry.

Nothing in there says that you have to condone an attitude, but I would like to point out that in order to be “fair” and “objective,” you have to understand.

One of the arguments people sometimes use against gay marriage is that “it’s not good for children,” and this is often based on anecdotal evidence of a few people raised in gay marriages who feel it negatively impacted them.  I can find thousands of people raised in heterosexual marriages or by single parents who feel that their parents’ relationship damaged them.  That doesn’t make heterosexual relationships to blame.

On the other hand, many people put down religious people for their intolerant attitudes by pointing to the extremists who don’t accurately portray religion.  The first group to pop to mind is the Westboro Baptist Church who protest funerals.  While they identify themselves as Christians, even other Christians believe them to be a “hate group.”  Just because someone has an opinion, and they’re Christian, doesn’t mean that all Christians believe the same way.

Let’s start treating one another as individuals, asking questions, and treating one another with respect.  At the core, we all want the same thing: to live our lives the best way we know how.  For Christians, that means figuring out how best to follow Jesus’s teachings.  For the LBGTQ community, that means being treated as equals.  For some people, those two ideas mesh well, but others can’t reconcile them.

I’m going to say something some might disagree with, and it’s that it’s okay if people disagree.  Respectfully disagreeing means that we listen to the other side and respond with respect.  The key here is that you honestly listen, and when you respond, you do so without name-calling, put-downs, or a condescending attitude.  These two issues make people quite passionate, and it can be difficult to be respectful in a discussion, but that’s tolerance.  Two people can have a disagreement, come no closer to agreeing by the end of it, and still listen to one another and respect one another.

My tolerance only ends when someone advocates or threatens harm to self or others.  That’s my line.  I love listening to people who disagree with me because I might learn something.  I love talking to people who disagree with me because I might teach something.  But if someone starts speaking in a disrespectful manner, my ears generally shut off, and I don’t hear anything but the disrespectful parts of the speech.

What are your thoughts on tolerance?

The Dark Side of Acceptance

On Wellness Wednesdays, I post on a wellness topic.

Sea World, San Diego
Photo Credit: Doree Weller

I wouldn’t say that my high school had a bullying problem.  We were a small, rural school.  And yet I was bullied for my weight in high school.  One of my friends was bullied for the way she looked as well.  I recently wrote a story about bullying, and a friend of mine, who has been out of high school far less time than me, said, “That’s not how it works anymore.  Now, it’s the fat black gay kid who’s the popular kid.”

I had seen this trend in the new 21 Jump Street, but I wasn’t sure if it was for real or not.  When I asked another friend of mine about it, she said that it has gotten better, though it’s not quite like my other friend said.

I know that bullying still exists.  I know this because I still see online articles about kids who have attempted or completed suicide based on how bad bullying gets.  I’ve seen adults bully other adults, so I know it doesn’t just come out of nowhere.

Recently, I read an article about how Planet Fitness revoked a woman’s gym membership for not following their “No Judgement Zone” policy.  The woman reportedly got upset when a person she thought was a man entered the locker room.  The person in question is actually transgendered, and identifies as female.  The customer who objected returned to the gym multiple days to tell other gym members that Planet Fitness allows “men” in the women’s dressing rooms, which was what ended in her having her membership revoked.

I’m actually not here to weigh in on that particular issue, but I provided a summary of the story to set the tone for what I do want to talk about.  This article was published as a link on Facebook, and I was curious about the comments.  There were the expected arguments on both sides.  One woman stated that she agreed with the woman who didn’t feel safe with a “man” in her dressing room, and that she would never go to Planet Fitness as a result.  She expressed herself in a logical and appropriate manner.  Other people attacked her, calling her names and telling her that she was being “intolerant.”  They put her down and said things about her that they couldn’t possibly know, saying that she was a bad Christian (she never mentioned religion).

Several times, this woman responded and defended her views, saying that she has the right to feel the way she feels about it, and each time, she was met with a barrage of negative statements from others.

This woman was bullied.

I’m an LGBTQ ally.  I believe that everyone should have the same rights.  BUT, when someone disagrees with my opinion, I don’t have the right to bully them, and neither does anyone else.

There is a big difference between expressing an opinion by stating that you won’t patronize an establishment because you don’t believe in the way they do things and saying that you wish harm to a group of people.  The former is an adult reaction to something that offends you.  The latter is extremist, childish, and just plain wrong.

True acceptance means that we accept the respectful opinions of everyone.  It does not mean that we agree.  It does not mean that we bully.  It means that we allow others to express their opinions.  If we want to have an intelligent, adult discussion with dissenting opinions, that’s wonderful.  That’s what it’s all about.  Acceptance does not mean that everyone has to “accept” your opinion as correct.

By bullying the woman who expressed her opinion, all commenters did was cement her opinions.  People don’t change their minds because other people put them down or shame them.  People change their minds through open and honest discussion, along with respectful arguments that make them think differently.

Next time someone gives an opinion you don’t agree with, listen to them, respectfully and without judgement.  Then give yours.  I believe that this respectful meeting of minds is the way that we can truly promote peace and equality.

What are your thoughts?

R is for Rules

People who don’t know me well are often surprised to find that I’m a rule follower.  I guess I seem like a rebel, but the truth is that I like rules.  They make the world go a little smoother if we all follow rules.  Wait in line.  Let people merge on the freeway.  Get to work on time.  Say please and thank you.  To me, these things don’t seem too difficult, but everything runs smoother if we all get on board.

I have a theory that people would be a little nicer if we were all required to go to one day of preschool every year as adults.  You know, kind of a refresher course on basic things like taking turns and being quiet when others are speaking.

I follow rules most of the time, except for when they’re stupid.  But when they are stupid, I say so.  Loudly.  And I continue to say so.  Normally, if I don’t like a rule, I manage to do as I’m told, but I make it known that I dislike the rule, why I dislike the rule, and what I think should be done.  I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that.  Sometimes rules need to be changed, but I’ll still follow it even if I don’t like it, because that’s how I believe it should be.

Being an individual and being independent doesn’t mean that we can’t treat one another with respect.  Part of that respect is understanding that rules apply to everyone.