Promoting Kindness

I feel inadequate to talk about this, but I’m going to, because even if I don’t cover it well or completely, at least I may help others think about it.

The world is in turmoil. I think everyone knows that. And from what I see, everyone wants to place blame somewhere. I’m very afraid of the mentality I’m seeing: “if you’re not with us, you’re against us.”

I can understand the attraction of this idea, but I think it’s problematic on a number of levels. The most important one being: You don’t eradicate hate by promoting hate and divisiveness.

An Eye For An Eye Leave The Whole World Blind

Meeting hate with public shaming and more hatred isn’t likely to tame it; that’s like pouring gas on a fire. When you shame someone, most people don’t respond with, “Sorry; I was wrong.” They respond with anger and defensiveness, trying to explain their side. It reinforces their own idea that they’re right, because you’re treating them like the enemy. No matter how wrong thinking people are, almost no one is a villain in their own mind, and if you really want to bring people together, you won’t treat them as one.

That doesn’t mean that certain behaviors are acceptable; they aren’t. But you can hate the behavior and still show love and kindness toward the person.

People Can Change When Shown Compassion & Understanding

Daryl Davis is a black man who gets to know KKK members. As of December 2016, thirteen of them befriended him and turned in their hoods. Would he have been justified in hating these people who hated him for nothing more than the color of his skin? Yep, absolutely. Would it have changed anything? Unlikely.

Balpreet Kaur was the focus of ridicule online when a man snapped a picture of her. She’s a woman with facial hair. Instead of responding defensively (which would have been understandable), she explained that she’s a Sikh, and that looking different from most people does not interfere with her ability to be of service. As a result of her kind, lovely response, the original poster apologized to her, and she got lots of support. I first read this story in 2012, and I’m still thinking about it. My hope is that everyone who read her story thought twice about cyberbullying from that point forward.

Christian Piccolini became a white supremacist at 16, looking for a place to belong. After he opened up a music store and had contact with people of different races and religions, he said, “I received compassion and empathy from the people I least deserved it from.” That changed his thinking, and he’s now a member of Life After Hate, an organization that helps people leave violent extremist groups.

Understanding Matters

I don’t know what the solution to everything is. But people who seek to tear others down aren’t usually people who feel good about themselves. It’s not a good excuse, but it is something to think about. Making already insecure and angry people feel worse isn’t the way to change the world. People gravitate toward hate groups in order to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance.

People make changes when they feel understood, and more importantly, when they understand others. It’s easy to hate what you don’t know and understand. (This goes for both sides.) But it’s not as easy to hate something known. It’s like Ender said in Ender’s Game:

In the moment when I truly understand my enemy, understand him well enough to defeat him, then in that very moment I also love him. I think it’s impossible to really understand somebody, what they want, what they believe, and not love them the way they love themselves. And then, in that very moment when I love them.

Don’t Hate The Person

Hate the behavior. Hate the violence. Hate the rhetoric. But when possible, show compassion for the person. Because most people who join these groups aren’t evil; they’re just seeking belonging, understanding, acting out of fear, etc.

Is there a way to promote love and compassion without implicitly condoning bad behavior? I’m not sure. I’m afraid that showing love and compassion to everyone who needs it will be misconstrued as trying to stay in the middle and “not take sides.” I don’t want to do that, but I really believe that hating and shaming anyone creates a bigger problem. I want to be part of the solution.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this. But please, no politics.

S is for Sarcasm

“Sarcasm: intellect on the offensive”

-Author Unknown

Sarcasm is probably my favorite type of humor.  I tell people, “if there are two ways to interpret something I said, just assume I’m being sarcastic.”  It’s true.  I have a dry humor, and because I have thick skin, I sometimes forget that others don’t.  I know that sometimes things I’ve said have inadvertently hurt people’s feelings.  Since I’m a therapist in my day job, I have to be especially careful not to be too “me” sometimes.

Recently I had a conversation with a woman from Puerto Rico, and we got on the subject of sarcasm.  Now, she speaks perfect English, so this is a cultural, rather than a language thing.  She commented, “I don’t get sarcasm.  I’ve tried to do it sometimes, and I just end up being mean.”  I also recently had someone tell me, “People who are being sarcastic are hiding something.”

It wouldn’t have been appropriate for me to laugh in the latter instance, so I’m lucky I have experience with keeping a poker face.  But it made me start to think about the implications of sarcasm.  There are times when I think that my sarcasm is so obvious that I might as well be flashing a blink sign.  *sarcasm*  blink  *sarcasm*  blink  But then whoever I’m talking to doesn’t get it, and I wonder if I’m being unclear.  Maybe it’s not that simple.  Maybe some people just don’t “hear” what I’m saying.

I often think about “style” in writing, and how a distinctive voice is one of the things I most enjoy about certain authors.  Different authors use language differently.  But I suppose that we all have styles of speech too; I just don’t normally give those much thought.  In speech, I pause a lot.  I frequently misuse words and lose my train of thought.  (I tell people that my train of thought derails.)  I say “uh huh” and “hmm” a lot.  But my writing style is rather different.  “Real” dialog in writing really isn’t much like real dialog at all, and writing is different than talking.

As to the person who said that people who are being sarcastic are hiding something… I can’t speak for everyone, but I most often tell the truth.  And when I’m being sarcastic, it’s usually because I’m telling the truth.  But because the truth comes in sarcasm, no one notices.  How is it my fault that others don’t pay attention?

What do you think?  Are you pro-sarcasm or anti-sarcasm?

 

A Lesson in Kindness and Understanding

I admit it; sometimes I’m not as kind as I want to be.

I see a lot of odd and sad stuff in my job, and as part of what I do, most of us use black humor to deal with our job. I’m a connoisseur of the weird, the wacky, and the downright bizarre.

I came across <a href="http://jezebel.com/5946643/reddit-users-attempt-to-shame-sikh-woman-get-righteously-schooled”>this article the other day, about a man who covertly took a picture of a Sikh woman and posted it on Reddit to ridicule her. The photo shows someone who is obviously a woman in a turban, but with facial hair. If I had come across this woman, I can guarantee that I wouldn’t have photographed her and posted it, but I’m not sure what I would have thought.

I have a friend who was ridiculed in high school for her dark hair on her arms and face. It was nowhere near to the extent of this woman, but she was still put down. So I should know better. But I’m only human, and my thoughts aren’t wrong. Behavior is what tells.

The interesting part of this story is that the woman saw her picture and the reactions to it, and replied with such grace and understanding that I felt a little ashamed for even knowing that I would have done a double take if I had seen her out and about. I’ve learned a little bit about the Sikh religion, which I knew nothing about. This woman took a situation where she was being made fun of, and turned it into a teaching moment. She could have ranted and raved, and it would have seemed fair and right. But I wouldn’t have learned from her the way I did for her reply, which is the epitome of kindness. If I live another 100 years, I’m not sure that I could be as good of a human as she is. This woman is my idea of both bravery and someone who sticks to their convictions, no matter what. Take a moment to read the article, and then I’d love to know what you think.